is there an option?

There is a need to create, to procreate, to make a mark, to build, to add one's personal touch, to be seen; ultimately to create is to break through from existing into a place of being, of finally being born, reborn, resurrected, or finally waking up. The Assassination of Frederico Garcia Lorca a poem by Nikolai von Keller Lorca lies beneath the bones of the mud, with lead in his belly and stones in his fists. The young soldier who pulled the trigger radiates ideals and says: Art for art's sake is to die just as born - without reason. Ashes of the poets slink into the corners of Spain: the mountains of the South, ivory and sloped as a mistress in repose. the Mediterranean, blue as the word. Garcia Lorca is not afraid. He has already done what he came to do. He has already been born. This was one of the poems I found to read this morning on my radio show. Another one, poem #26 by Eugenio de Andrade and translated by Alexis Levitin: #26 But how to make it last to the final moment, this mouth, this sun? One must love it, lofty and patient, where the flame chants. Love it. Till the end. Till it turns to dance. We are called to create, it is the mark of God within our being. It is the power or drive that launches us from the instinctive drives to survive into the place of ego where we leave our mark and humanity of limitations and then beyond to the orbit of a larger stillness where the oneness of life is complete and our creating art is always and always being let free.

the need to claim oneself

I am finding that much of my energy is spent helping others, enabling other people to find and discover their creative self and understand themselves more fully. It is very meaningful to be a part of this process. It is like a coach bringing along a great talent to be the best player that they can be in a game situation. Yet there is also the need to be the player, to be the one creating and emerging myself. It is similar to the struggle that a teacher of art sometimes has to find time and the energy to also create one's own art. Whether it is the need for a place to be still, or the time to be still, or the will to be still in order to shift gears and allow myself to think and create, the need to create will emerge one way or another. It may emerge as anger if frustrated enough; it may emerge as depression, if denied enough; it may emerge as endless rambling and insistent opinions forced upon others if not given its own space. One way or another it will emerge.

three poems of mine for my sweet love

It’s now the time So many times have I read odes of praise or poems that extol the beauty

found in lover’s eyes or ears or gentle lips, with awe’s appreciation holding me. The love I feel is no less sacred now than felt by those before, who wrote such verse, just me, less willing with my words, to bless and savor that which we have come to know. So atrophy be damned and tedium let go, so that with recklessness I dive off cliffs of fear into the passionate expressions I now hold in knowing you. It’s now the time for love, and always been, and we the ones to make it known to all. When my distractions blink, I am stunned by the sight of you. When my opinions pause, the flash of love’s flesh stuns me. When I stop avoiding doing the things I fear to do, It is you, who sits beside me. Way beyond my longings before the boundary of avoidance lies the remarkable present moment of you.

the struggle to create

It has been a year since painting, my energies have been more focused on writing. But there are four paintings that stare at me every day. I know I will go back to them. The haunting presence of unfinished work is like a shadow reminding one of the light overhead, and the direction the light is going - but only if we notice. Where to paint is an issue. The t.v. room is not ideal. I want someplace away from the house, but cannot afford one. Place is an important piece in the creative process. If I do not feel comfortable to relax and imagine and make a mess than the restraint of the space chokes off my creative energy. This seems to be my problem. Time is another piece of the creative journey, there is so many conflicting stress pulls on me for time that it is hard to have extended periods to create. And my seeming choice to always do and have time for others and not myself is another drawback.

Buildings and Hymns

During the 18th century and early 20th century there was a great wave of building churches. Great cathedrals, small parishes; many great legacies to people's faith and community's perceived identities. At this same time many great hymns were being written. And many of these hymns, like the buildings are what we still use today. We try to upgrade and maintain these buildings and we try to keep these hymns alive sometimes by adding new instrumentation that reflect our changing times. It seems to me that there is a connection between architecture and the level of composing of music. With great symphonies of the 18th century we had more great monuments, with more random refrains and emphasis on pop music our architecture becomes more disposable.

Afternoon Haiku

with a dimmer switch,
turning down both light and moods
in late afternoon.



the silent building,
just computer keys clicking
and cars pass outside.



never sleeping
always ready to respond
the phone stands watch.

Photo Quotes

With not having the focus, space, nor vision to paint again; I find that my creative energy will find another way to emerge. I have been finding that playing with pictures, taking what I call "quotes" from nice pictures that I like and holding onto them is an alternative. Jacob Gerritsen is a photographer who has remarkable skill and has taken some phenomenal pictures of Emily. It is fun to pick out a little detail within one of these great photographs to remember. It is like taking a good quote out of a book or talk that I want to hold onto and have on my wall. Jacob's eye is quite sensitive and he has a very gentle way with his lens. In his pictures I find that there are many layers, possibilities and depth to each image. It is helpful to look at each one in different ways. I have included one of them here and the "quotes" that I have taken from it.
In the same way, when I go through a museum, I will pull out a piece from the various masterpieces to hold onto. Otherwise it is simply too much and too many works and I remember nothing.

Shadows to Creating

Over the years of painting and writing I have found that having a crutch or a stimulant sometimes adds an edge to the creative process. When writing I would have cigarettes and coffee, or a drink. Or while painting I would also be drinking. Having the edge of an altered state sometimes helped to bring me to the edge of a more creative state, especially when I felt uninspired or unfeeling. The downside was that it also brought on its own numbness and there was a movement towards crossing over to a place that is uninspired and unfeeling it an opposite way.
Finding the creative energy and nurturing it in ways that are not dependent upon mind altering substances can be a challenge. How does one accept the unfeeling place, the uninspired place and discover why one is uninspired. So often the foreign substance makes things seem more intense, and in that intensity is a creative energy. How does one find the creative energy in the ordinary and everyday moments of routine and simplicity.
It is in discovering the beauty in the simple, and seemingly uninspired, or that which might lack intensity; that lasting and transforming creativity is found. Also the sudden intensity for me creates an art that when I look at it years latter is no longer intense, and sometimes dated. The celebration and expression of the simple and ordinary becomes over time more profound and touching in a deeper intensity for me.

Archaic or Avant Garde

What is it to paint something in oil these days, with a live model sitting. Or to use one's imagination and paint upon a canvas that will be only one of a kind. We live in a digital age. Copies can be made through pictures, etc. and posted on the web or reproductions made, but the original is the original. It seems very archaic and out of date to paint in oil paints. Why not simply use digital photography, photoshop, and manipulate images?
There is something personal, I find, when I paint. I become the camera or lens through which the image is understood. How I process, experience and love that which I see is then processed even further though my limited abilities and limited material. The limitations of what it is to be a mortal are expressed even further in our limitations of expression.
With the availability of technology changing the way we see images, with so many people creating images and modifying images to post, publish and promote; might it be the avant garde of art to actually paint an image. To create a one of a kind work, with the visible strokes of the brush seen on the canvas, the human connection leading to the subject and the experience of the two - artist and subject- together makes for perhaps the ultimate edge of art within our human journey.

Self Portraits

Over the years I have endeavored to portray myself. Efforts at self portraits have been very enlightening. It is good to visualize the experience of oneself, the combined efforts of what one sees of oneself and what one perceives of oneself. It is a great form of self analysis and has been a help in guiding me to see myself more honestly. It has also been a fun exercise to play with the medium of paint in a portrait, painting myself means that the model might not be as upset with experimentation.

Some thoughts on painting portraits

When I look at someone, what I see is the light reflecting off of them. Some of the light has been absorbed by their body and the other light is reflected towards me and by seeing the light that has been reflected I can determine the shape and features of the one before me. There is a deep longing in my soul and heart and mind to connect with others. How can I see who they are apart from my assumptions and history with them? This is what I look for when I paint them. It is the act of praying with paint the longing to see, to know, to understand and honor this other life; knowing that however I portray it, it will always be transmitted through how I have received this light and experience. It is in these prayers that I hold onto people dear to me and keep them ever before me in my heart, as reminders to keep looking at them. The prayers of paint are only the establishing of new habits of relationship I hope.

Primitive Stories

In my journey to paint, I have found that the stories of faith to be an important place to begin. The problem for me is that the images of these stories have been so often made and manipulated that I they have lost their power for me. The image of Jesus praying on in the garden, with perfect hair and pious gesture on the eve of his death is the ultimate sanitized surrender to meaning in faith paintings. At such a point it is simple decoration style and no meaning nor engagement. Along with the vast tidal wave of images made of the biblical stories I have found a phenomenal lack of awareness of these stories in our life now. What was the defining stories of our culture and society are now historical, academic and quaint shadows of another time. So for me the journey back to the stories of my faith and where I find my meaning leads me to a very primal or primitive expression. This began with a picture of the crucifixion, a key entry point of Christian faith. At a time when I was drinking much in college, I found that the fake wood knots that were formed into the table tops made for great face images and using them as a backdrop I went into the place of pain and loss in my own life and found the companionship of Jesus. The direct and spattered expression of someone being literally splattered on the cross is what came out. What surprised me was a friend’s reaction, it was not of the primitive nature, but the fact that the image of Jesus was black. The racial dimension of Jesus had never been a thought to me, and it struck me that perhaps all the images I had grown up with were caucasian, like me. He had trouble with seeing Jesus as being black. I had no thought in this as being any racial statement at all. This unintended consequence made me aware that by going into a more emotional and primal place in my expression was also an entryway into unmasking my own and perhaps others limitations placed on our faith by the limited and very controlled expressions of the stories of our faith.

A Call to Create

My calling to the Episcopal priesthood came from my calling to be an artist. One led to the other, without the call to create I could not have come to the call to be a priest. As a visual artist I see my role as a priest to help people see more clearly who they are and the mystery and majesty of God's love all about us. The earlier call to create also helps me to see and understand my journey in this other calling better. Some of the pictures of myself in this journey reflect my attempts to see better who and what I am doing.